Mutant Insanity
by Spike Daft
Summary: The longest and most liquor induced joint play I've ever written. Beware of inside jokes.
1. Default Chapter

Introduction by Andrea the Spiky Sithster ****

Introduction by Andrea the Spiky Sithster

Occasionally, on a complete whim, two friends get together, drink too much, and proceed to inject all their inside jokes about their particular obsession into some form of prose. The result, although perhaps lost to some readers, is assuredly insanely funny to these two friends, and that's all that matters.

**"Mutant Insanity" is the result of one such whim. My girlfriend Melissa and I worked for a whole summer on this play, which was completed last year and just tonight revised for publication. We hope you find it as hilarious as we do, although that cannot be guaranteed. However, it would be a crime to waste this sort of drunken genius on two X-Fanatics such as ourselves, so despite our odd humor we released this.**

The play comes in acts one through five, and I warn you, some of them are long, and strictly movieverse. We hope you have as much fun reading this as we did writing it.

-ATSS


	2. Act 1

ACT 1, SCENE 1

ACT 1, SCENE 1

SETTING:** Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters   
_Basement Level_**   
  
_MYSTIQUE, disguised as a student, wanders the vacant hallways   
with her cohort TOAD, looking for Charles Xavier's office, or, at the   
very least, some sort of map._   
  
TOAD: This isn't fair. Disneyland has maps.   
MYSTIQUE: Well, we're not in Disneyland, if you haven't noticed by now.   
TOAD: Well, we _should_ be.   
MYSTIQUE: This isn't the time to be disappointed. We've got to find this   
Xavier's office and see if he can do something to help us get Magneto out   
of jail.   
TOAD: This is the dumbest bloody crock I've ever heard of. Why would the Wheelchair Wonder want to help his greatest enemy? I mean, his little X-thingies worked pretty hard to put the boss there in the first place, didn't they?   
MYSTIQUE: Shut up. I can't think of any better ideas. Can you?   
TOAD: MacDonald's is always nice.   
MYSTIQUE: Just shut up, will ya? (Mumbles to herself about stupid Brits   
and continues on her way)   
  
_The duo rounds a corner and suddenly comes face-to-face with JEAN   
GREY, who is ushering a young child back to the second floor. The boy is   
nursing a bandaged arm and has tearstains on his face._   
  
JEAN: There, you'll be okay now. Nothing to worry about. Just be more   
careful when you play with Jason, okay? 

__

The boy nods and JEAN smiles. She looks up and finds herself   
nearly colliding with another student, who is accompanied by a short   
young man who looks rather familiar.   
  
JEAN: What the…Hey- aren't you the guy who spit in my face?!   
TOAD: Ummmmm….I actually do that to a lot of people. Care to refresh my   
memory a bit?   
_MYSTIQUE slaps her forehead and hurries away, pretending that she   
doesn't know him._   
TOAD: Hey! Where're you-   
MYSTIQUE: I've never met this guy before. He's following me around like a   
lost toa- er, puppy. Maybe he's hungry?   
TOAD: You blue bitch!   
MISTIQUE: You'd better feed him something. He seems to get agitated when   
he's not fed. Got any Kibbles-N-Bits?   
TOAD: Hey! I only ate that ONCE, and I got ten whole dollars for doing   
it, too.  
JEAN: (_To _MYSTIQUE) Um, maybe I should take you to see Xavier, my dear. (_She turns to _TOAD) And what the hell are _you_ doing here?! …   
TOAD: Er…walking…   
JEAN: Where?   
_TOAD looks vacant._   
MYSTIQUE: He hates tough questions. Try an easier one, like…who the hell   
took the liberty to remove his brain?   
JEAN: I thought I told you to see Xavier!   
MYSTIQUE: Oh yeah! (_Searching) _And… _where_ is that again?   
JEAN: Go up the lift just ahead, and on the door to your right is a   
hallway. Follow it to the end and you'll see the sign on the door. Make   
sure to knock first.   
MYSTIQUE: Okay. Thanks! (_She discreetly gives _TOAD_ the finger and goes on   
her way_.)   
TOAD _looks vacant._   
JEAN: Weren't you struck by lightning? How did you get past security?   
TOAD _stares at her like a moron_. JEAN _levitates the backpack he has slung over   
his shoulder and whacks him in the head with it_.   
TOAD: Ow! Hey…what?….Where'd Mystique go?   
JEAN: Mystique?   
TOAD _looks vacant. _  
JEAN _looks vacant. _  
TOAD: Where'd Mystique go?   
JEAN: Was that student…?…Oh…I'm starting to understand this. Well, come on.   
Off to Xavier. She can't hide from _him_.   
TOAD: I did _not_ let anyone remove my brain.   
JEAN: What?   
TOAD _looks vacant.   
_JEAN _grabs his arm and tows him along the floor to the lift.   
_TOAD: MacDonald's?   
JEAN: Shut up, okay? Jeez….I think Storm fried your brains along with the   
rest of you.   
  
ACT 1, SCENE 2  
**Setting**: _Xavier's Office_   
  
JEAN _enters the office, sans her usual polite knock.   
_XAVIER (_To _MYSTIQUE): I couldn't possibly-   
JEAN: (_Interrupting)_Brought in a stray, Professor.   
XAVIER: Pardon?   
JEAN: Well, I see you've met Mystique. I'd like you to meet her protégé,   
Toad. He spit a loogie in my face at the Statue of Liberty. 

TOAD _looks proud of himself._  
XAVIER: (_scrutinizing_ JEAN _carefully_) I don't see anything.   
JEAN _sighs. _

TOAD: (_Brightly_) Hi, Mystique! Long time no see, eh?   
MYSTIQUE: Here we go…I thought I'd lost him…   
_Suddenly, the doors thump open and a young man of about thirteen   
sticks his head into the office, panicking._   
BOY: Timmy burnt my undies again, Professor!   
XAVIER _just stares at him._   
JEAN _looks vacant_.   
MYSTIQUE _looks vacant_.   
TOAD, _as usual, looks vacant_.   
BOY: Uh…bad timing. 'Bye. (_Doors close meekly_)   
TOAD: (_Suddenly) _Toasty!   
XAVIER: Uh…Now, back to reality. Allow me to explain Mystique and   
Toad's presence here, Jean. Magneto, as you well know, is in custody.   
They are his lackeys.   
MYSTIQUE: Hey!   
TOAD: Are those anything like khakis?   
XAVIER: (_Ignoring them both) _They wish our assistance in freeing Eric from his prison.   
TOAD: You never answered my question, Professor…if that's your _real_ name.   
JEAN: (_Blatantly ignoring him_) So, Professor: what do you propose we do with these two?   
XAVIER: I have yet to decide that. Until then, find suitable housing   
arrangements for the both of them. Please keep in mind that they cannot be   
trusted amongst the populace here at the Academy.   
JEAN: (_Points indignantly at_ TOAD) But he spit in my face!   
TOAD: Nice shot, too.  
_The backpack he is carrying suddenly levitates and whacks him in   
the head once more._   
TOAD: Hey…that felt pretty good…Oh, wait…ow!   
MYSTIQUE: (_Under her breath_) Imbecile.   
XAVIER: You'll have to put that behind you for now.   
TOAD: But I'm carrying it on me back! Where the hell else do you propose   
is behind me?!   
XAVIER _looks at him incredulously with his mouth open. _  
MYSTIQUE: I wonder if there's any way I can _join_ Magneto…   
JEAN: Yes, Professor. I'll get Logan and Scott up here right away.   
MYSTIQUE: Who's Logan?   
JEAN: Oh, you'll know him when you see him. Believe me.   
MYSTIQUE _looks vaguely frightened at this concept._  
JEAN _closes her eyes and concentrates, sending telepathic messages to both_   
SCOTT _and_ LOGAN   
TOAD: Are you doing what I think you're doing? 'Cause if you are, I'm leaving before the smell hits.  
JEAN: I 'm trying to concentrate.   
TOAD: You're got to be _really _numb if you have to concentrate to-  
_The backpack begins to levitate again, and _TOAD_ flings it off, breaking a window in the process._   
TOAD: Bloody hell! Stop doing that!   
JEAN: You asked for it.   
_The door opens again and_ _SCOTT enters with_ LOGAN _in tow. They   
both stop dead at the sight before them. _  
LOGAN: (_To _MYSTIQUE) Didn't I _kill _you?!   
MYSTIQUE: I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!!!!   
JEAN: I told you so. (_Aside to_ LOGAN) I told her so.   
LOGAN _looks vacant._   
SCOTT: Just what the hell is going on here?!   
XAVIER: (_Sighs_) Allow me to explain…again. Mystique-   
TOAD: Didja know that she hates it when you call her "Musty", for short?   
XAVIER: (_Continuing_) …and Toad are here to ask for our help in freeing   
Eric from the prison.   
LOGAN: You mean Magneto?   
TOAD: Bright lad, this hairy one. (_Glances mistrustfully out the window,   
waiting for the Backpack of Doom to appear yet again. It doesn't_.)   
SCOTT: Why are we here?   
XAVIER: You are going to escort our…guests…to suitable living   
arrangements until we can decide what actions to take.   
SCOTT: And where do you suppose that would be?   
XAVIER: That's _you_r job, sport.   
LOGAN: Dammit! I'm missing Star Trek for _this_?   
TOAD: Hey! Spock wears the same underwear as Magneto!   
XAVIER _looks vacant.   
_JEAN _looks vacant.   
_MYSTIQUE _looks vacant.   
_SCOTT _looks vacant.   
_LOGAN: Really?! Wow….   
SCOTT: Don't make friends with the bad guys, Wolfie. That's how you end   
up wearing yellow spandex.   
LOGAN _looks vacant_. _Everyone else groans at the terrible and overused joke._  
SCOTT: Well, back to the matter at hand. I think these two should stay   
with us. That way we can keep an eye on them.   
TOAD _cracks up_. _LOGAN is the only one who gets it, and he slaps_   
TOAD _on the back._ TOAD _flies forward ten feet and crashes into the wall.   
_LOGAN: Nice one!   
TOAD: (_Unsteadily_) You too. 

SCOTT_ looks vacant.   
_JEAN _begins to laugh.   
_XAVIER: 'Eye'….Eye on them…Oh! EYE! Eye on them. Heh heh, that's a good one.

SCOTT: Yeah, very funny, guys. Just a laugh riot, huh?   
TOAD, _from his place on the floor, begins to chuckle again.   
_SCOTT: Yeah…I'd like to keep an eye on _him,_ Professor.   
TOAD _stops laughing.   
_XAVIER: Scott, they are our guests, please remember. We do not flash-fry   
our guests. Manners are a basic rule of Academy life.   
TOAD: You don't scare me, Pink-Eye.   
SCOTT: You wanna take this outside, buddy?   
TOAD: Depends. How tall are your fences?   
MYSTIQUE _laughs. _  
JEAN: How about if Mystique stays with Storm?   
XAVIER: I'm sure she will be willing to accommodate her.   
MYSTIQUE: Oh, joy.   
TOAD: Ha ha!!   
JEAN: …And Toad can stay with us!   
MYSTIQUE: Ha, ha!!   
TOAD: D'oh.   
SCOTT: Aww, no! But Jean….It's Saturday! We have…plans…on Saturdays!   
TOAD: Wink wink, nudge nudge…(_TO _XAVIER) You do allow extra-curricular   
activities on this campus, don't you?   
XAVIER: But of course. We recommend it to all of our students.   
TOAD _cracks up.   
_MYSTIQUE: He doesn't get it, does he?   
LOGAN: Let's hope not.   
XAVIER _looks vacant. After a pause, he picks up on vibes and realizes what he is   
missing.   
_XAVIER: Maybe it would be better of Toad stayed with Logan.   
LOGAN: HELL no!   
TOAD: Will somebody help me outta this wall?  
JEAN: Our…activities…can wait. Toad can stay with us.   
SCOTT _pouts. _  
SCOTT: You're gonna pay for this, Frog-Boy.   
XAVIER: Easy on the nicknames, Scott. It's a sign of immaturity.   
LOGAN _looks smug._   
LOGAN: I could've told you that.   
JEAN: So it's settled, then. Sleep arrangements are no longer an issue.   
SCOTT: For you, maybe.   
  
ACT 1, SCENE 3  
**Setting: **_Jean's Bedroom, Fifteen Minutes Later   
_  
TOAD: (_Looking around_) Nice place you got here. The undies are a nice   
touch.   
JEAN: Ooops! Wasn't expecting visitors…(_She uses her telekinesis to lift   
the offending laundry and cast it out of sight_)   
TOAD: Neat trick. Wanna see mine?   
JEAN: That's okay. I've already seen it…

TOAD: No, that's not the one.   
JEAN: Then no.   
TOAD: Aww.   
SCOTT _enters.   
_SCOTT: Here's your cot.   
TOAD: What luxury.   
SCOTT: Uh…yeah.   
TOAD: I was being sarcastic, you twit.   
JEAN: Now boys…we're going to have to learn to get along.   
SCOTT: Well, this is all his fault, anyway. He's the one who wants to get   
his damn boyfriend out of jail.   
JEAN: I've forgiven the loogie. You can forgive this.   
SCOTT: That's the guy who spit that stuff in your face?   
JEAN: Yes.   
SCOTT: And you're letting him stay here?!   
TOAD: Well…if you ever get a hole in the wall, I got homemade spackle….   
SCOTT: The only holes in the walls are gonna be from you going through   
'em.   
JEAN: Forgiveness, Scott.   
SCOTT: Jeez. With all this stupid forgiveness you'd think Jesus was   
walking around in his Birkenstocks right here at the Academy.   
TOAD: Who?   
SCOTT: Never mind. He wouldn't like you, anyway.   
JEAN _smacks _SCOTT. _Hard.   
_SCOTT: Oww!   
TOAD: (_Fondly) _I just love mayhem.   
JEAN: We've got to get ready for bed. It's been a long day. Mortimer, you   
can change in the bathroom.   
SCOTT_ busts up._   
TOAD: Don't bloody call me that! And what do you mean, 'change'?   
JEAN: What do you propose I call you? Toad certainly isn't appropriate.   
And by change, I mean your clothes.   
TOAD: Now why would I want to do _that_?!   
JEAN: Never mind.   
SCOTT: (_Still laughing_) So what's his last name? "Wart"?   
TOAD: Oh, you're going to get it…One of these days….   
JEAN: It's Toynbee.   
TOAD: How the hell do you know? I never told you squat!   
JEAN: I am telepathic, remember?   
TOAD: Tele-_what_?!   
JEAN: Never mind. So how would you like to be addressed?   
TOAD: Magneto calls me "hey, you". I dunno…too personal?   
JEAN: Not exactly.   
SCOTT: Toynbee! What the hell kind of name-   
TOAD: Shut up, ya poofter!   
SCOTT: We can call him "Toy"!   
TOAD: Noooooo!!!   
JEAN: I like it. Cute, fits his size.   
TOAD: Dammit!   
JEAN: That's enough, Toy. Scott and I need to change. Go into the   
bathroom.   
TOAD: But I don't have to-   
JEAN: Go anyway.   
TOAD: I can't force myself, you loo-nazi!   
JEAN: That's not what I meant. Just let us change in private, okay?   
TOAD: Women. (_Exits_)   
SCOTT _rushes to the door and locks it gleefully.   
_JEAN: Scott!   
SCOTT: We wouldn't want him getting out now, would we?   
From inside the bathroom, a thump is heard, followed by the sound   
of running water.   
TOAD: WATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (_Splashing sounds become louder by   
the second._)   
SCOTT: Uh-oh.   
JEAN: Let him have his fun.   
SCOTT: While we have ours…..   
JEAN: Scott, behave.   
SCOTT: Dangit.   
_Splashes still emanate from within the bathroom, accompanied by a   
happy gurgling sound._   
TOAD: Wwwwwaaatteeerrrrr……   
SCOTT: I don't wanna be the one to clean up that mess.   
JEAN looks vacant. 


	3. Act 2

ACT 2, SCENE 1 

ACT 2, SCENE 1   
**Setting**: _STORM's Bedroom, Same Time_   
  
STORM: Girl, that Halle Berry chick is such a slut.   
MYSTIQUE: Who's that?   
STORM: Some wrinkled-ass hoe actress from like ten years ago who keeps   
boning up all the young guys. I heard she hit one some guy with her car and then just   
ran away.   
MYSTIQUE: What a bitch.   
STORM: You're telling me! I wish I could just kick her ass.   
MYSTIQUE: Girlfriend, you know you could.   
STORM: Hell yeah!   
MYSTIQUE: So, you know this Logan. Is he really hairy like that all the   
way down?   
STORM: I dunno. Why don't you tell me?   
MYSTIQUE: I was just wondering. I didn't have time to check, you know.   
STORM: Yeah, that would've just been wrong.   
MYSTIQUE: You know, I haven't gotten over the part where you guys try to   
kill me.   
STORM: Life goes on, girl. Want some vodka?   
  
(_Cut to_ JEAN's _bedroom, middle of the night_)   
SCOTT: (_Waking up_) Awww…. (_He gets up to go to the bathroom, pant-less,   
walks across the room, and finds the handle locked_.)   
SCOTT: (_Sleepily_) Huh?…   
_He unlocks the door and enters into the dark bathroom, noticing   
with distaste the wetness beneath his bare feet._   
SCOTT: Gross. What the- WHOA!   
_He trips over something lying on the floor and falls hard onto   
his behind, which in turn falls onto something that makes a terrible   
noise._   
TOAD: OW!   
SCOTT: AAAAAAAA! WHAT THE HELL?!   
TOAD: (_Muffled_) Get yer figs outta my face, you!   
JEAN: (_From inside the bedroom, sleepily_) What's going on?   
TOAD: Tell him to get his arse off of me!

SCOTT _screams and jumps upward, fleeing into the room and   
colliding with the far wall_.   
JEAN: Scott? You okay?   
SCOTT: (_Groans_)   
JEAN: Oh, no! Toy, I'm sorry! We left you in the bathroom, didn't we?   
TOAD: Well, duh. Got any mouthwash?   
JEAN: Poor guy.   
TOAD: Tell Scott over there that he should invest in a bar of soap and a   
loofah, and cleaner pants.   
JEAN: Scott, you may want to put some pants on.   
TOAD: HE WAS PANTSLESS?! OH MY GOOOODDD!!!! (_A thump is heard, followed   
by frantic footsteps receding down the hall_)   
JEAN: Toy, come back!   
SCOTT: (_Groans_)   
  
(_Cut to _LOGAN'_s bedroom_)   
_LOGAN is just drifting off to sleep when the door flies open and   
something hurtles into the room._   
LOGAN: What the hell?...   
_A dark shape ascends his wall and crouches in the corner of his   
ceiling, spitting.   
_LOGAN: Who's there? (_His claws slide out and he gets out of bed, padding   
over to the light switch and flipping it on_.)   
TOAD: Turn off the light! You want them to find me?!   
LOGAN: (_Looking up_) Aaaa! What the hell are you doing in here?!   
TOAD: Ever have your red-eyed friend shove his figs in your face?   
LOGAN _looks vacant.   
_TOAD: Then don't ask stupid questions.   
LOGAN: Oh. Okay. Sounds bad....   
TAOD: Tastes bad, too. (_Spits again_)   
LOGAN: You know I'm not going to clean that up.   
TOAD: You know I don't bloody care.   
_Enter _JEAN.   
JEAN: Toy! There you are!   
TOAD: No! No I'm not! Go away, you psycho-hose beast!   
LOGAN: …Toy…? What the frig...?   
TOAD: You're an evil woman, you know that? A psychic, evil she-beast!   
JEAN: Well, at least I didn't spit in your face.   
LOGAN: So...what exactly is going on here?   
JEAN: We locked Toad in the bathroom on accident and then Scott got up in   
the middle of the night to tinkle and then he slipped on some water   
and...   
LOGAN: Oohhhhhh...that explains the figs part. (_Looks up at _TOAD_, still   
clinging to the ceiling_) You poor guy. For once I feel sorry for you.   
TOAD: Fat lot of good that does, ya hairy wanker. I still had Pink-Eye's   
balls in my face!   
LOGAN _shudders._   
LOGAN: Well...you can sleep on the dirty laundry if you want.   
JEAN: Don't do it if you want to live through the night, Toy.   
TOAD: As if naked figs would have helped my survival! Logan, thank you for the   
offer. I believe I shall take you up on it.   
LOGAN: Okay, get down off of my ceiling then, would ya? I'm getting dizzy   
just lookin' at you.   
TOAD _drops from the ceiling onto the floor, taking several chunks   
of plaster along with him. _  
TOAD: Lock the door!   
JEAN: Some people are afraid of the dark. Toad here is afraid of Scott's   
nuts.   
LOGAN: Can't say I blame him.   
TOAD: (_Wails_) I'll never sleep again!   
JEAN: Are you sure you want to stay in here? Logan snores like a buzz   
saw.   
LOGAN: I do not! How would you know?   
JEAN _hums to herself.   
_LOGAN: Fine. Be that way. (_To_ TOAD, _sotto voice_) I don't snore.   
TOAD: With nostrils like that? I think I'll take Jean's side on this one.   
But it's better...   
LOGAN:...than Scott's figs. Damn tootin'.   
TOAD _looks vacant_.   
TOAD: You fart in here, too?   
LOGAN: It's just a saying, retard.   
TOAD: Oh. I'm relieved. If you fart like Jean says you snore, maybe I   
ought to sleep with the Professor.   
_Everyone shudders_.   
TOAD: I didn't mean it that way!   
JEAN: But how would the Professor know that?   
TOAD: Ewww!   
LOGAN: He's psychic, ain't he?   
JEAN: Only when he wants to be.   
_Everyone shudders again._   
  
JEAN _turns back to the door._   
JEAN: I'd better get back to Scott. He's insecure when he's naked.   
TOAD _and _LOGAN _both make retching sounds_.   
JEAN: Men. (_Rolls eyes_) Goodnight, then. See you in the morning.   
TOAD: That can't be soon enough for me.   
LOGAN: (_Longingly_) Goodnight...Jean...   
JEAN: Goodnight, Logan.   
LOGAN _blushes.   
_TOAD: _(looking down) _Wow! Is that an adamantium-laced cucumber or are you just happy to-   
LOGAN: SHUT UP!   
TOAD: Okay.   
JEAN _manages to leave the room before cracking up.   
_  
ACT 2, SCENE 2   
**Setting**: JEAN'_s bedroom, middle of the night _  
  
JEAN: (_To _SCOTT) Feeling better?   
SCOTT: Oh yeah. Thanks.   
JEAN: You know, you sure looked funny when you…(_She dissolves into   
helpless laughter_)   
SCOTT: Hey, it's not funny! C'mon!   
JEAN: (_Wiping eyes_) I'm sorry. You're right, of course. But poor Toad.   
You scared the hell out of him.   
SCOTT: The only plus in this whole scenario. Where is he?   
JEAN: Sleeping with Logan.   
SCOTT: I don't think he'll stay there for long.   
JEAN: I warned him already. (_She gets out of bed, pulling on her robe_)   
SCOTT: Where are you going?   
JEAN: To the kitchen. I suddenly have this awesome craving for   
cucumbers...   
SCOTT _looks vacant_.   
  
_Cut to_ LOGAN's _bedroom, same time._   
LOGAN _has gone back to sleep, and is snoring industriously in his   
bed.   
_TOAD, _unable to sleep, watches him closely, able to see well in the dark.   
He is standing over him, dangling something from his hand and wearing a   
mischievous grin. In a moment, we see why_.   
_A spider is hanging to the end of its web, just above _LOGAN's _open mouth. It sways precariously upon each exhalation, which grows more   
intense as the mutant sinks deeper into his slumber. Finally,_ TOAD _lowers   
his hand- and the spider- and the arachnid is suddenly vacuumed into the   
vortex that is _LOGAN'_s snore. It disappears. _  
TOAD: Yummy.   
_A sound not unlike that of a garbage-disposal issues from within _LOGAN'_s sinuses. He stirs and smacks his lips._   
TOAD: (_Whispering_) …Bye, spider…   
_He turns back to the heap of laundry in the far corner of_ LOGAN'_s _  
_room and drops into a crouch, his flexible spine keeping him close to the   
ground as he creeps towards the offensive-smelling pile. Something there,   
on the ground, arrests his attention. Despite his night-vision, he cannot   
make out what the object is, though it has a foul odor and looks vaguely   
menacing. Alarmed,_ TOAD _grabs a coat hanger that is lying nearby and   
reaches out to prod the thing. It appears to twitch slightly, and_ TOAD   
_leaps up in terror, bolting out the doorway of_ LOGAN'_s room and into the _  
_hall, where he runs full-tilt into_ JEAN GRAY, _who is returning to her   
room and munching on something._   
TOAD: Jean!   
JEAN: Toad! (_She notices his fear and becomes concerned_.) What happened?   
What's wrong?   
TOAD _clings to her legs, shivering_.   
TOAD: Something scary! Something scary!   
JEAN: (_Alarmed_) Scary? In Logan's room?   
TOAD _nods, eyes shut tightly_.   
JEAN: Okay. Let's go check it out.   
TOAD: It's dangerous!   
JEAN: Maybe I should go get Scott, then.   
TOAD: Wait! Ummm...it's not _that_ dangerous...Just be careful.   
JEAN: (_Sighs_) All right. (_She embarks a few feet to_ LOGAN'_s room, _  
_dragging _TOAD _with her. He still clings to her legs_.)   
JEAN: (_Opening door_) Who's there?   
_No answer, save for_ LOGAN'_s snoring. _JEAN _flips on the light,_   
_bracing herself._   
TOAD: (_Pointing_) See? There it is! Oh, it's horrible! It's HORRIBLE!   
JEAN: It's...a sock.   
TOAD: How can such terror exist?! It's horrible! Jean...Jean, it's   
looking right at you! You leave her alone, you...you...you _thing_!   
JEAN: It's a sock.   
TOAD: Foul-smelling beast! Who spawned you?! What do you want from us?!   
JEAN: It's a sock.   
LOGAN: (_Sleepily_) Huh? What's going on here? Why are you in my room? (_He   
glances at_ JEAN's _feet_.) What's wrong with Toad?   
JEAN: It's a sock.   
TOAD: Watch out! _It's coming right for us!_   
JEAN: IT'S A SOCK!!!   
LOGAN _looks vacant. _  
TOAD _tries to run away, but_ JEAN _catches him by the scruff of the neck.   
He writhes helplessly. _  
JEAN: You brought me here, in the middle of the night, to do battle with   
a SOCK?!   
TOAD: It's evil! It's vile! It smells like-   
LOGAN: What're you guys doing in my room? And why is one of my socks   
impaled on a coat hanger?   
TOAD: Let me go!   
JEAN: The hell I will!!   
TOAD _finds himself lifted by_ _JEAN's telekinetic powers and hurtled across the room, where he crashes into the far wall and crumples   
into a senseless heap.   
_JEAN: Blithering idiot.   
LOGAN: (_Coughing_) Damn. It feels like I swallowed a bug or something.   
Which is weird because I dreamed about that very thing…   
JEAN: Goodnight, Logan. (_She exits, turning off the light as she goes_.)   
LOGAN: What is that _smell_?   
_As he lies down again, the sock moves in the moonlight. It   
slithers around the coat hanger and creeps under the bed to join its   
brethren in planning a massive mutant-laundry uprising. Scene fades out;   
cue ominous music. _


	4. Act 3

ACT 3, SCENE 1

ACT 3, SCENE 1

****

Morning at the Mutant Academy

Setting: **The Cafeteria**

_JEAN, SCOTT, LOGAN, TOAD, STORM, and MYSTIQUE are all seated at the table._

TOAD: Boy oh boy, I do love coffee in the morning. _(He sees everyone glaring at him)_ What?

JEAN: You sure put us through hell last night, Toad.

TOAD: I didn't _do_ anything!

SCOTT: It was _Logan's _sock.

TOAD: Thank you! Yes! Even Sabretooth's socks didn't smell as bad as yours, Logan. _They_ never took on a life of their own.

MYSTIQUE: Toad, Sabretooth didn't wear socks.

TOAD: Oh God, now I remember.

STORM: _(Eyeing TOAD cruelly) _Mmmm mmmm. I do love nice crispy toast in the morning, yes…crispy, _crispy_ toast…

TOAD: Shut UP!  
STORM: _Criiiiispy_….

TOAD: You stupid cloud-factory! I'll kill you!! _(He waves a hashbrown menacingly)_

STORM makes little lightning gestures with her fingers. TOAD hurls the hashbrown and hits MYSTIQUE accidentally.

TOAD: Oh God. _(He leaps up and MYSTIQUE tears after him)_

JEAN: You shouldn't tease him like that. It's mean.

STORM: I know. _(She happily resumes her breakfast. After a time she speaks again) _Why are _you_ so friendly with him anyway, huh? He horked a phlegm globber the size of Ireland and just as green right into your face!

JEAN: Some of us are high enough to forgive the mistakes of others.

SCOTT: _(His mouth full of sausage)_ So… you can forgive me for the time you caught me with my hand on that statue at the museum? You remember, the one with the enormous boo-

JEAN: NO. I won't forgive that, no. No way.

LOGAN: _(Horrified)_ You dumbass pervert!

SCOTT: Hey! Don't call my girl a dumbass pervert!

_Everyone just stares at him for a really long time._

_Cut to TOAD, fleeing from MYSTIQUE, who hasn't caught him only because she lacks the ability to run on the ceiling._

MYSTIQUE: You slimy little bastard!

TOAD: _(Panting)_ Hey, I might by slimy and little, but I most certainly am _not_ a…uh…oh wait…_(He stops cold, puzzling)_ Oh wait, yes I am. I am, aren't I?…

_MYSTIQUE sees her chance. She grabs the nearest kid and yanks off his shoe, sending it hurtling to hit TOAD square in the crotch. He drops like a rock and MYSTIQUE, satisfied, walks away. The kid grabs his shoe and runs for his life._

_Just then, Xavier comes down the hall, whistling the theme song from "Bonanza". Lost in thought, he proceeds to run over TOAD with his wheelchair and keeps going, ignorant of the hit and run._

TOAD: I hate my life. _(He passes out)_

ACT 3, SCENE 2

****

Setting: _Xavier's Office**, **Morning_

LOGAN, JEAN, SCOTT, STORM, _and _MYSTIQUE _are all standing around _XAVIER'_s desk, awaiting his orders for the day._

XAVIER: I assume you all slept well.

JEAN: We've had better nights.

MYSTIQUE: Oh God…I have a _headache_….

STORM: You're just not used to vod - _(She trails off, afraid that she has said too much in front of the others.)_

XAVIER: What was that, Ororo?

STORM: Nothing.

XAVIER _lets the moment pass._

SCOTT: Who's gonna clean my bathroom?

MYSTIQUE: Huh?!

JEAN: Long story. Amusing, though. Very amusing.

XAVIER: We don't have time for amusing anecdotes. There is much to be done today. Where is our other guest this morning?

LOGAN: He crashed at my place last night.

JEAN: Crashed is a good word for it.

LOGAN _laughs_.

SCOTT _is not amused_.

LOGAN: Aw, whatsa matter? Get caught with your pants down?

SCOTT: SHUT UP!

XAVIER: Now, now, stop bickering. There's no time.

JEAN: I could go for another cucumber right about now…

SCOTT _looks vacant._

LOGAN _grins bashfully._

JEAN: So what's so important, Professor?

XAVIER: It is obvious to all of us that we cannot assist our new companions in releasing Magneto from his prison. And we must take into account that they are criminals. 

JEAN: You're going to turn them in?!

MYSTIQUE _looks like she's going to be ill._

XAVIER: Of course not. It would not be the wise thing to do. We must help our fellow mutants, and we cannot make ourselves too obvious.

LOGAN: Smart guy. So, what's the plan, then?

XAVIER: I believe that it is wise to attempt to reform these two.

MYSTIQUE: _Reform_? What's there to reform?

XAVIER: Much, as you will learn.

MYSTIQUE: I wonder what Toad's gonna think about this.

LOGAN: Oh, please. As if he's truly capable of thought. I wouldn't be too worried about that.

MYSTIQUE: You're right. What was I thinking?

XAVIER: Aren't you slightly hard on the little fellow?

LOGAN: You don't know this guy well enough yet, Professor.

JEAN: Well, _that's_ obvious. I had to come in last night and rescue him from one of Logan's socks.

_Everyone, save for _JEAN _and_ LOGAN_, looks vacant._

STORM: I don't wanna know.

JEAN: No, you don't.

LOGAN: _(Embarrassed) _Well…yeah. You don't wanna know.

SCOTT: I'd be afraid of Logan's socks, too. 

LOGAN: YOU shut up, fig-boy.

SCOTT: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?!

LOGAN _whistles to himself but doesn't answer._

JEAN: Er…let's change the subject, shall we?

SCOTT: No! I wanna know how the hell he knows!

XAVIER: Quiet, all of you! Now then, we must decide when and how we will start Toad and Mystique's training.

SCOTT: How about we throw Toad off of the Empire State Building? 

MYSTIQUE: My plan exactly.

STORM: Tried that already, sort of. Didn't work.

SCOTT: Yeah, well, there's no _water _under the Empire State Building.

LOGAN: Ouch. 

JEAN: That's not very nice, Scott. 

SCOTT _sighs._

_At that moment, a very small, very green young man stumbles into the room, holding his head. He walks past the group and straight into a wall._

JEAN: Toy!

XAVIER: "Toy"?

LOGAN: That's what _I_ said!

JEAN: Toad had a rough night, Professor.

TOAD: What's this wall doing here?

XAVIER: One doesn't need to be telepathic to know that, Jean.

JEAN: Yeah, I guess so. _Someone _needs some coffee.

SCOTT, LOGAN, STORM, _and _MYSTIQUE: _(In unison) _NO WAY!

TOAD: What's going on?

SCOTT: No coffee for him. No way. We'll have created a gas molecule. No glassware or wall will be safe. Can you imagine this guy _hyper_?

_Everyone shudders._

TOAD: What's going on?

MYSTIQUE: Shut up, Toadie.

TOAD: I. AM. NOT. A. TOADIE!!

JEAN: Wow! You got through!

MYSTIQUE: Sometimes I can override the permanent busy signal in his brain, or whatever it is rattling around in his skull. Probably just a ball of lint. I was going to say a pea, but that's far too much mass.

TOAD: Your walls taste vaguely of peanuts, Professor- did you know that?

XAVIER _looks disturbed._

JEAN: Interesting fact…but unnecessary. Really.

TOAD: What's going on?

JEAN _fights the rising urge to clobber the guy again._

XAVIER: Are you all right, young man?

TOAD: Oh yes. In fact, I was just going to make a point of how much I love being run over by a rogue wheelchair, not to mention waking up to Cyclops' siting on my-

SCOTT: SHUT UP! It was an accident. _You're_ the one who left the water on the floor for me to slip on.

TOAD: Yeah, well…_you_ should wear pants, mister!

XAVIER _is beginning to look rather disgusted and is turning greenish._

TOAD: Whoa! My long-lost brother!

SCOTT: Please don't call him your brother. He's feeling sick enough as it is.

TOAD: Oh, shut up, dingleberry-smurf.

SCOTT: What the &#@% are dingleberries?

TOAD: Why don't you get a mirror and bend over to find out?

JEAN: It is _way_ too early in the morning for this coversation.

LOGAN: _(Snorts derisively) _As if talking about Scott's dingleberries gets more pleasant later in the day. 

JEAN: You're right. Let's not discuss them at all.

MYSTIQUE: Sounds good to me. Girl, I don't even wanna _know_ what happened last night.

TOAD: I wish I didn't, either! Does anyone's power include any sort of amnesia-ray? Oh, by the way: There's a evil sock in your room, Logan. It's going to create a mass uprising and slay you all.

XAVIER: What?!

TOAD: I dreamed it…I think. I skewered one of the evil ones last night but miss hero here saved it. _(Scowls)_

XAVIER: Maybe we should get you your own room. _(Under his breath) _And some medication.

JEAN: _(Telepathically to _XAVIER_) Can we please sedate him? Give him some Ritalin? PLEASE?_

XAVIER: _(Also telepathically) Do whatever you want._

JEAN: _(Aloud)_ Oh, thank God!

SCOTT: For what?

JEAN: Er…never mind. It's nothing.

TOAD _looks wary. He sees the glint in her eye._

TOAD: _(Tiny voice) _Help!

SCOTT: We all know you need it, buddy. Tell me- does it hurt to be that stupid?

TOAD: Help! Please…someone…save me!

JEAN: _(Turning towards the door) _We'll be right back. _(She grabs _TOAD'_s arm and hauls him behind her.)_

TOAD: Arrrgghh!

XAVIER: Well, Jean will apparently be taking care of Toad. Mystique, please attend Miss Munroe's classes during the day. That will tide you over until we construct a plan of some sort.

MYSTIQUE: Sure. Whatever.

XAVIER: Very good. All are dismissed, for now.

_The remainder of the X-Men, and _MYSTIQUE_, take their leave._

Xavier: _(To himself) _Dingleberries?…..

ACT 3, SCENE 3

Setting: **Jean's Laboratory**

TOAD: _(Struggling to be freed from _JEAN_'s telekinetic grasp) _Let me go!

JEAN: No way, Mister. Not until we take care of some of your…excess…energy.

TOAD: What's in that needle?

JEAN: Happy juice.

TOAD: Sounds like it's going to make me very_ un_happy….

JEAN: You're smarter than you look. Sometimes.

TOAD: You're not being very encouraging, you know.

LOGAN _enters the room._

LOGAN: Couldn't wait to get _his_ shirt off either, eh?

JEAN: _Please_. He's enough of a handful clothed.

TOAD: Is there something going on between you two that I should know about?

LOGAN: Nothing _you_ should know about, Shorty.

TOAD: I'm NOT short!

JEAN: There's nothing for anybody _to _know about us, Logan.

LOGAN: Yeah. Right.

JEAN: Logan…

LOGAN: Okay…

JEAN _sighs in exasperation and, seeing her chance, suddenly plunges the needle into _TOAD_'s arm._

TOAD: Hey- ow!! What the bloody-

JEAN: It wouldn't _be_ so bloody if only you'd stop squirming!

LOGAN: What're you giving him?

JEAN: A sedative.

LOGAN: Wow. Smart plan.

JEAN: I thought so.

JEAN: God, he's still struggling! Logan, gimme a hand here…

LOGAN _promptly sits on _TOAD_, who shrieks._

TOAD: NO! NOT AGAIN!!!

LOGAN: I got pants on, buddy, and I'm not on your face. So relax.

TOAD: You're crushing me, you big oaf!

LOGAN: Well, stop moving and I'll get up.

JEAN: Like he'll _ever_ stop moving.

TOAD: I'll never stop hating you, either!!! 

JEAN: Yeah, well..life's a bitch.

LOGAN _looks up, startled._

JEAN: I'm sorry. How unbecoming of me!

LOGAN: Um, say that again…

TOAD: Get him offa me! Get…him…_(Suddenly, _TOAD'_s strange eyes begin to grow more vacant than usual, and become lackluster.)_

JEAN: It's working! Praise the fates!

LOGAN: Wow. Must be some powerful stuff.

JEAN: Children's Tylenol.

LOGAN _looks stunned._

JEAN: Just kidding. 

LOGAN: Oh. Yeah, I figured.

TOAD: Bees…all around me…bees…

JEAN: Hey! Those should be pink bunnies in happy fairyland, not bees!

LOGAN: Umm…since when did anything concerning Toad comply to normal occurrences?

JEAN: You got a point.

TOAD: Beeeeees….

JEAN _laughs._

JEAN: I think you can get off of him now. He's pretty well thrashed.

LOGAN: Okay. _(He gets up and _TOAD _falls over onto his side. His eyes are still open, though, and seeing all.)_

TOAD: Hate…you guys…

JEAN: Try something. I dare you.

TOAD _suddenly grabs up the last of his strength, summons his powers, and spits right into _LOGAN_'s crotch, the highest he can reach._

LOGAN: Oh my God! GROSS!!!

JEAN _dissolves into helpless laughter for the second time in twelve hours. She sits down upon the floor, holding her sides._

TOAD: Good luck…getting that…out of yer BVD's… _Hate…you…guys…_

LOGAN: DAMMIT! _(He retches)_

JEAN: At least it isn't in your face. 

LOGAN: But how I am gonna get this off??

JEAN: I dunno. Rip?

LOGAN: Aww! You slimy little bastard! _(He kicks _TOAD_)_

TOAD: Ow_…_You're a shithead_…(Despite his situation, he manages to look vaguely pleased with himself)_

LOGAN: Yeah, well, the feeling's mutual, bub.

TOAD _finally shuts up, although his eyes (and his mouth) remain open._

JEAN: Whew. It's finally working all the way.

LOGAN: Yeah. Finally. And you just _had_ to dare him, didn't you? You forget that this guy hangs out with Magneto.

JEAN: I underestimated his neural capacities. 

LOGAN: Damn straight, you did.

JEAN: Live a little, learn a little. Want some lunch? We got cucumbers.

LOGAN: Right on!

_They exit, leaving _TOAD _lying on the floor._

TOAD: _(Ever so faintly) Hate…you…guys… (He twitches)_


	5. Act 4

ACT 4, SCENE 1

Setting: **Magneto's Prison**

XAVIER _has decided to visit his old friend again, and deliver the news of his cohorts. They sit, as usual, playing chess._

MAGNETO: They will pass that foolish law, you know.

XAVIER: Wearing clothes in public has _always_ been a law, Eric. In fact, there's a law _against_ public nudity.

MAGNETO: Oh. Damn. Well, you know they'll pass that _other_ law as well.

XAVIER: Perhaps. And then again, perhaps not. Checkmate.

MAGNETO: You said you had some news for me?

XAVIER: Yes. Guess who showed up at the academy the other day?

MAGNETO: Who?

XAVIER: Toad and Mystique.

MAGNETO: What were _they_ doing there?!

XAVIER: _(Hiding a smile)_ They wanted our help to free you from this place.

MAGNETO _slaps his forehead._

MAGNETO: Idiots!

XAVIER: I would be inclined to think the same thing, if I allowed myself to judge others like that. Which I don't.

MAGNETO: Oh, come off it, you hippie. You _know_ they're a couple of imbeciles, especially that Toad fellow. So where is Sabretooth?

XAVIER: We have no idea. Nothing has been mentioned of him.

MAGNETO: Oh, well. He smelled like roadkill, anyway. Checkmate.

XAVIER: Old friend, if you only knew what has happened these past couple of days.

MAGNETO: I don't want to know.

XAVIER: I suppose you're right. So how is life here treating you?  
MAGNETO: Boring. I feel like I'm living in a giant condom.

XAVIER: Eloquent.

MAGNETO: So what did you tell my…peabrained comrades?

XAVIER: Nothing. We are attempting to reform them.

MAGNETO _laughs a little too loudly._

XAVIER: What? 

MAGNETO: You poor, poor fool. And I thought you were psychic!

XAVIER: You underestimate them, you know.

_Therein a short silence is heard, for both men know that this is a blatant lie._

XAVIER: Checkmate.

MAGNETO: Damn! 

_Cut to _TOAD, _still lying on the lab floor._

TOAD: I gotta pee…..

_Enter _MYSTIQUE, _with _STORM.

MYSTIQUE: I see they finally got you settled down. Kinda.

TOAD: Hate….you….

STORM: _(Interrupting) _I hear that Logan sat on you.

TOAD _groans._

MYSTIQUE: Well, if it's any consolation, he's still trying to get that stuff out of his pants.

TOAD _looks rather pleased, despite himself._

TOAD: Hate…that…guy…

MYSTIQUE: You hungry?

TOAD: Not after…having Scott's…Ugghh (_he shudders)_

MYSTIQUE: _(To _STORM_) _How long does this stuff last, anyway?

STORM: I dunno. We'll know when it wears off, though. 

MYSTIQUE _shudders._

_Cut to _JEAN _and _LOGAN_, eating cucumbers in the kitchen. We notice that _LOGAN _has changed his pants._

JEAN: I kinda feel bad, leaving the little guy there all by himself.

LOGAN: He's too stupid to get bored. What're you worried about?

JEAN: The medication wearing off.

LOGAN: Oh. I hadn't thought of that. He could trash the lab, couldn't he?

JEAN: To put it mildly.

LOGAN: Should we move him into your room?

JEAN: We should move him into a straightjacket.

__

ACT 4, SCENE 2

Setting: **Jean's Lab, **two hours later.

****

JEAN GRAY _is standing over _TOAD_, who has recovered somewhat from his sedation. He is still groggy, but awake._

JEAN: Sorry for sedating you.

TOAD: I'll get over it if you let me sleep in _your_ room tonight.

JEAN: Agreed. And I'll tell Scott to sleep somewhere else. That'll keep you safe from socks and balls. Okay?

TOAD: Fair enough. _(He shudders again)_

JEAN: _(Making conversation)_ So…what kind of a nickname is Toad, anyway?

TOAD: I dunno. I actually got kinda lucky.

JEAN: How so?

TOAD: Well…Magneto was going to call me The Slimy Limey, but the telephone rang and he forgot about it. Telemarketers have a way of making that happen. Especially when you wonder how they got your secret hideout number. And then you wonder why your secret hideout even _has_ a number, and then you wonder why you're even thinking about it…and then you wonder why you're even thinking at _all_, 'cause, y'know, Magneto is, after all, the brains.…and he tells us expressly _not_ to think…and usually it's pretty easy and then you mess up and you're all down on yourself and you think, "Sod that! He's just a wrinkled old poof," and….

JEAN: Uh, I get the point. Hmmm. Well…as far as I'm concerned, both names are rather unfortunate.

TOAD: Piss off. _You've_ never been called a Slimy Limey, obviously. 

JEAN: I guess that's true.

_A long pause._

TOAD: _(Innocently) _Jean?

JEAN: Hmm?

TOAD: I hate you.

__

Cut to **Logan's Room_._**

Another sock creeps from the pile of dirty laundry and further out on the carpet, headed not for under the bed, but for the doorway. Ominous evil-sock music begins to play again.

STORM_, who is passing the doorway, stops and peeks in, puzzled._

STORM: Where's that awful music coming from?

_We hear muted angry grumbling from the orchestra at this statement, and a few muffled "ahem"s._

_After looking around, she finds nothing. She shrugs and takes her leave._

EVIL SOCK: Curses! Nearly foiled again!

_It sends a green wave of stinky sock-radiation towards the screen, and we hear the members of the orchestra coughing and choking. The sounds of dying instruments quickly fade into the background. The music finally stops._

EVIL SOCK: Muuuuwa-ha ha ha!

_It resumes its evil path to the door, and then down the hall._

_Cut back to _STORM_, who is taking a walk around the perimeters of the academy, deep in her equivalent of thought._

Suddenly, a giant, furred shape leaps from the shrubbery and pins her against the wall. It roars, and in the light of the dying day we can see that it is SABRETOOTH_, come back from the supposed dead. He wraps a hand around _STORM'_s throat and lifts her up high, thrusting his face next to hers._

SABRETOOTH: Scream for me.

STORM: Oh yeah- good idea. _CYCLOPS!!!!!!!_

SABRETOOTH: Oh, shit! (_He drops _STORM _and begins to pound his own head angrily.) _Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!

SCOTT, _who is also on the grounds, finally comes running up, and, seeing _SABRETOOTH_, removes his sunglasses, hitting the hairy mutant with a pure, unfiltered optic blast. _SABRETOOTH _promptly explodes._

STORM: Gross!

SCOTT: _(Regretfully, putting his glasses back on) _Well, that sucks. We could have reformed him, too, you know. The Professor would've been proud of us or something.

STORM: Oh, well. He smelled like roadkill, anyway.

SCOTT: Yeah, but now he sorta smells like tacos.

STORM: Hey, you're right. All of a sudden I'm pretty hungry. 

SCOTT: Me, too. Let's go.

ACT 4, SCENE 3

Setting: **Dining Hall, Dinnertime**

JEAN, SCOTT, STORM, MYSTIQUE, LOGAN, _and _TOAD_ are all sitting at a table, having a dinner of tacos and cucumber salad. All except for _TOAD_, that is._

JEAN: Feeling better, Toy?

TOAD: Hmmpph.

STORM: Still a little groggy, I see. And what's with this meal? Tacos and cucumber salad? Strange combination.

JEAN: Circumstances, I suppose, Ororo.

STORM: I'll say.

TOAD: _(Looking a little greener than usual) _I can't believe you guys _eat_ that stuff.

MYSTIQUE: This from a guy who eats live pigeons.

TOAD: You're one to talk. I've seen you eat those flaming-hot Cheeto things.

_Everyone shudders. _LOGAN _spits out a bite of taco and looks very ill._

SCOTT: A true culinary abomination.

TOAD: Oh! Scott used a ten-cent word! Yay for him, everyone! Yay for him!

SCOTT _hurls a cucumber slice at _TOAD_, who ducks (as though it would have done any damage, anyway).._

LOGAN: _(Sputtering) _Flaming-hot Cheetos?! _Ugh!_

JEAN: Disgusting!

MYSTIQUE: I do _not_ eat those! He's lying!

TOAD: Since when have you known _me _to lie!?

_Suddenly, the entire mess hall goes silent. _TOAD _shrinks down in his seat. His cheeks turn a bright green, his equivalent of blushing._

TOAD: Maybe I should just keep my big mouth shut.

_Everyone at the table erupts into thunderous applause. _TOAD _scowls and stares at the table._

TOAD: Fine. I won't say a thing any more.

SCOTT: My god, it's a miracle. _(Cue music: the choir, out on a coffee break when the evil sock-radiation wave hit, stick their heads through the cafeteria doorway and sing "Hallelujah")_

TOAD _bites off an insult and sticks out his lower lip. Everyone else resumes eating. The choir advance to the lunch counter to collect their complimentary food tray._

CHOIR BOY 1: Wow! Free food! Singing like a girl really pays off around here!

CHOIR BOY 2: Yeah, except for the part where they cut off our testicles.

CHOIR BOY 3: Well, if I recall, they gave us free Oreo's after that.

CHOIR BOY 2: Oh yeah! Maybe you're right, Choir Boy One.

CHOIR BOY 3: Only thing I wish is that I had a real name instead of "Choir Boy Three". 

_The choir sets off to find a table._

_After a time, _ROGUE_ approaches out hero's table with a tray of food. As soon as she sets eyes on _TOAD_ and _MYSTIQUE_, she pales and nearly drops her tray. _LOGAN_ catches it and sets it on the table._

LOGAN: Hiya, Marie.

ROGUE: What are _they_ doing here?!

STORM: Relax. We're going to reform them. They won't hurt you.

ROGUE: _(Warily) _You promise?

JEAN: Yes, we promise. They've been here since yesterday and no one's dead yet.

MYSTIQUE: Although there are a few chunks missing from some walls.

JEAN: And a skewered sock.

LOGAN: The horror! The horror! Lint everywhere!

ROGUE _looks vacant._

JEAN: Long story. Now, mind your manners.

ROGUE: _(Sighs) _Okay. _(She forces a smile at _MYSTIQUE_) _Hi.

MYSTIQUE: Hi.

ROGUE: _(To _TOAD_) _Hi…

TOAD _scowls and pooches out his lip further._

JEAN: Er…he's not speaking to anyone right now. It's nothing personal.

ROGUE: Oh. 

__

She sits down next to LOGAN_ and begins to eat, her eyes still on the former Brotherhood members. _MYSTIQUE _flashes her a brief smile and she returns it, then looks to _TOAD._ He notices her watching and flicks his long tongue briefly at her. _ROGUE_ looks away and decides that she's not really all that hungry anymore._

TOAD: _(Muttering) _You will all feel the wrath of the Dark Side. My Master will slay you all.

JEAN: What did you say?!

TOAD: Uh…I said, 'Oh, crap; it's dark outside. It's almost like fall'.

JEAN: Oh. It certainly is.

SCOTT: What about your vow of silence, Frog-boy?

TOAD _shrugs._

ROGUE _is looking more and more lost with each word. Finally she stops poking at her food._

ROGUE: Well…I gotta go. I gotta study and like be shallow and stuff.

JEAN: All right. See you tomorrow.

LOGAN: 'Bye, Marie.

ROGUE: Right. 'Bye. _(She leaves so quickly that she nearly falls over herself)_

TOAD: What a bitch.

MYSTIQUE _leans over the table and clobbers him._

MYSTIQUE: Don't call people that! Didn't Magneto teach you _any _manners?!

TOAD: Ow!  
SCOTT: Sort of a stupid question, isn't it? _(He flinches as _MYSTIQUE _regards him threateningly.) _Sorry. Maybe not. But I think the answer to that question is 'no'.

MYSTIQUE: Well, _duh_. I was just making a statement. Men are pigs. Especially you.

SCOTT: Me?!

MYSTIQUE: Yes, you.

SCOTT: Why?!

MYSTIQUE: You just are. 

LOGAN: (_shoving away his plate noisily and leaning back in his chair) _Well, _I'm_ full. 

JEAN: Me, too.

STORM: Me, too. Let's get the righteous f*** out of here.

JEAN_ grabs _TOAD _by one arm, _MYSTIQUE _seizing the other, and drags him from his chair._

Exeunt.

ACT 4, SCENE 5

Setting: **Jean's Bedroom.**

SCOTT _and _JEAN _are standing by the door, arguing, while _TOAD _is sprawled on the bed, happily guzzling a wine cooler. He is blissfully unaware that _JEAN _has spiked it with Valium._

SCOTT: I can't believe you're not letting me sleep in here tonight! And all because you're letting _him_ stay in here! _(He points accusingly at _TOAD_, who burps and waves the bottle at him in a vaguely hostile gesture. It becomes apparent that this is not his first cooler of the night.)_

JEAN: We made a deal, Scott. This is the only way any of us are going to get a full night's sleep. This way he doesn't have to worry about killer socks or you sitting on his face in the middle of the night. But don't worry. When the Professor finds him another room I'll pay you back for your cooperation.

SCOTT: I still can't believe this!

JEAN: C'mon, don't be like this.

SCOTT: _(Sighs) _All right. Fine. You do whatever you want. You'll find yourself missing me until you don't know _what_ to do!

MYSTIQUE_, who happens to be walking by at this moment, snorts loudly._

MYSTIQUE: _(From outside the door) HA! _I told you he was a pig!  
SCOTT: Fine, I'm leaving. Goodnight. _(He exits.)_

TOAD: _(Slurring) _Narky bugger, that Spot.

JEAN: It's _Scott_.

TOAD: Whatever._ (He begins to doze off, and within minutes he is sleeping soundly.)_

JEAN: Finally. 

__

She drags him onto the floor and takes the now empty bottle from him. Using her telekinesis, she tosses it into the trashcan.

JEAN: Sleep well.

TOAD: Urp.

JEAN: Yes…you're quite the poet, aren't you? 

__

She changes her pajamas and gets into bed with a book. Scene fades out.


	6. Act 5

ACT 5, SCENE 1

ACT 5, SCENE 1

Setting**: Hallway outside LOGAN's bedroom.**

_The formerly mentioned _EVIL SOCK_ has progressed down the hall and has disappeared, and we see that it is wriggling under a doorway. Camera pans up to reveal the nameplate: _PROFESSOR CHARLES XAVIER.

_Cut to _LOGAN_, asleep in his bed. Suddenly, his eyes fly open as, in his mind, _XAVIER'_s voice materializes loudly. He sounds rather angry, as though he was rudely awakened from a deep and comfortable sleep. _

XAVIER: _Logan_.

LOGAN: _(Aloud)_ Wha…huh? What?

XAVIER: _Wake _up_, Logan_.

LOGAN: Oh. It's you. Umm….you can't, by any chance, see what I was dreaming in there, can you? (_he picks at the lint that has somehow migrated up his nose_) Whoa…how'd _that_ get up there? Heh heh…cotton boogies…heh heh…

XAVIER: _Do your laundry, Logan. Now._

LOGAN: But it's the middle of-

XAVIER: _NOW, I said. And make sure to get it all._

LOGAN: _(Grudgingly) _Oh, all right. Jeez. _(He gets up)_

XAVIER: _And Logan?_

LOGAN: What now?

XAVIER: _Your dream Jennifer Lopez's boobs are really fake looking._

LOGAN: Arrgh! _Get out of there_!!! _(He pounds on his head and _XAVER_ quickly departs We see that the "boogie" is now in his hair.)_

LOGAN: _(After a long pause) _Ow. Ow ow ow. _(Grudgingly he gets up and begins to gather his laundry.)_

ACT 5, SCENE 2

Setting: **Jean Gray's Room**

__

Jean has awakened early and has hurried into the shower before all the hot water is taken. Meanwhile, TOAD_ sits at the mirror, putting gel in his hair and spiking it._

TOAD: _(singing)_ Sheri don't like it, doo do do doo doo, rock the catbox, rock the catbox…_(he stops as _SCOTT_ enters the room, looking sleepy and surly.)_ Hello there.

SCOTT: Yeah, whatever. And why are we so cheerful this morning?

TOAD _shrugs_.

SCOTT: Hmmph. _(He is about to complain about something else when _LOGAN_ enters the room, yawning.)_

LOGAN: Hi, guys. _(he yawns again)_

SCOTT: Wow, Logan. You look really tired.

LOGAN: Yeah, I was doing laundry all night.

TOAD: _(From the mirror) _Thank God!

SCOTT _is about to ask why but thinks better of it and keeps his mouth shut._

TOAD: Em…Logan?

LOGAN: What, Frogface?

TOAD: What's that in your hair?

LOGAN: I dunno? What's it look like?

SCOTT: Well, it's white and blobby…

TOAD:…like a big cotton boogie or something.

LOGAN_ promptly turns five shades of red and rushes to the mirror, plucking the offensive thing from his head just as _JEAN _emerges from the bathroom._

JEAN: Good morning, fellas. Glad I decided to dress in the bathroom this morning.

SCOTT _looks vaguely dejected_.

JEAN _looks approvingly at _SCOTT_ and _TOAD.

JEAN: Well, I see you two aren't trying to kill each other. That's a good start.

SCOTT: Yeah, well…it's early yet. He'll get on my nerves soon enough.

TOAD: Shut up, Scoot.

SCOTT: The name is Scott.

TOAD: Whatever.

JEAN _sighs. Apparently she has spoken too soon. _LOGAN _is still primping in the mirror._

(_Suddenly,_ STORM _runs into the room, panicked_.)   
STORM: Oh God! Oh God! One of Logan's socks has escaped! 

LOGAN: Not again!  
TOAD: Logan, if you can't keep control of your socks you shan't be allowed to have any!   
(_They all rush into _STORM_'s room, where _MYSTIQUE_ is keeping the thing   
back with a chair. It hisses threateningly_.)   
LOGAN: Get back in the laundry bag, you stupid sock!   
EVIL SOCK: I'm not going back in there! It stinks!   
(_The sock attacks_ TOAD, _who jumps out of the way_.)   
TOAD: Help! I'm being hassled by a killer sock!   
LOGAN: Oh, no! What are we gonna do?   
TOAD: Get back in the sack, sock!   
SOCK: Screw you! The time has come to take over the world! Muuaaa ha ha   
ha ha! 

STORM: Blast him, Scott!!

EVIL SOCK: HA! Your lasers cannot harm me! In my incredibly strong sweat-soaked state, I am utterly, completely, and explosively flammable!  
SCOTT: I'll be right back! (_He runs out of the room_) 

__

Everyone looks frightened. SCOTT _finally returns, holding the complete works of Shakespeare_.  
SCOTT: Help has arrived!   
(_He proceeds to beat the sock to death with the massive book. It screams and dies, emitting green smoke that begins to peel the wallpaper off_. _Strangely, the work of William Shakespeare is not in the least harmed._) 

TOAD: Wow. I guess Shakespeare _can_ survive everything. _(He pauses for a minute, then,) _Dammit.  
SCOTT: HA! Take that!   
STORM: Murderer! You should have just captured it!  
TOAD: Oh yeah? Well, it was a mercy killing, and… and _you're_ a hippie!  
_Everyone cheers except _STORM.   
JEAN: Well, that certainly was interesting.   
MYSTIQUE: Let that be a lesson, kids. Always do your laundry.   
LOGAN _looks dejected_.   
JEAN: Aw, cheer up. It was just a stray. You're other socks are probably as harmless… er, probably less violent than this one.  
LOGAN: (_Cheering up_) Right!   
MYSTIQUE: Well, well, well. A happy ending, for now. Who'dve thought?   
(_Exeunt_)   


****

The End.


End file.
